Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats!
by ToiletFacility
Summary: Alex unwillingly participates in the school musical! Sort of a follow-up from Dear Colin, although you don't have to read it to understand.
1. Chapter 1

**Just a random idea sparked from the bottom paragraph of "Dear Colin." **

**(You don't have to read it to understand, but I would prefer it if you did because only three people got around to reviewing.)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Alex Rider, or even his catsuit.**

_That's it. Tom is officially dead, _thought Alex, struggling into his suit.

Alex had made his protests known to the drama coordinator Mr. Newton, only to receive a long lecture about commitment and dedication.

He had grudgingly turned up to the auditions, at least HOPING to find some one, _anyone_, _any_ other boy that he could talk to. Instead he had been met by the severe 'Newt' and a band of over-excitable girls that were under the impression that being involved in the school musical would greatly increase their chances of winning _Idol_.

In fact, the only reason he stayed was because of the extra credit; something he certainly needed.

The auditions were a nightmare.

There were FIVE, only FIVE other boys that had turned up, and they were practically being eaten alive by the girls. Then, he had to _sing._ Alex didn't think his male ego would be able to handle it.

But before that, he had to endure about ninety other girls who couldn't hold a tune in a wheelbarrow. (They were in alphabetical order. Rider was WAY down in the alphabet. Why couldn't his mother have protested and called him Alex Beckett-Rider? Then it would be over soon!!)

Alex was asked which part he wanted, before he sang. Not having remembered any of the names, he asked for the part of Tooth Cavity- it was something like that, anyway. He had sung with the FIVE others, and then they were split up and asked to sing alone. He was forced to vocalise some song about angels and chariots…. he hoped he hadn't gone too well…

He hoped wrong. Being in desperate need for more male parts, the Newt had given him the lead. Apparently he had gone quite well; Mr. Newton said he had quite a good, characteristic alto, and would take the part of Bootstrap! (Or perhaps it was Munkustrap.)

So here he was, at the costume fitting/painting/lycra/embarrassing/perv-fest/dress rehearsal thing. He now felt cold and exposed as he walked into the rehearsal hall. Everyone was trying not to stare at one another.

Unfortunately this etiquette didn't seem to apply to him, as half of the female population of Brookland's eyes examined him closely…. Too closely. He made a mental note not to wear boxers next time.

After an all-too-enthusiastic meeting, which involved him_ modelling_ how not to wear the suits, he was led into a freezing cold room full of volunteers brandishing what looked like those welder things. He was then painted (air brushed) by a senior girl who took far too long the lower half of his suit. Alex hoped the tabby stripes on his lower back were flawless, because that girl (Melissa or something) was really creepy.

It was time. Alex slinked onto the stage, drew to his full height as gracefully as he could manage, tried not to look at the audience, opened his mouth, and began to sing.

"_Are you blind when you're born?"_

Yes, Tom was going to die a very slow, painful death.

**Love it, hate it? Or just love the idea of Alex in Lycra? **

**If so, then send me a 100 word letter on what you thought of it. **

**On second thoughts, it might be easier to just REVIEW.**


	2. Second and Final Chapter

**Yes, I updated! I began to get the feeling that I had commitment issues after writing so many oneshots, with only one multi-chapter fic, (with the exception of a three-shot) so I decided to ease my rather opinionated conscience by adding one more chapter to what is now a two-shot.**

**No, this is not a multi-chapter story. The set out is wrong. It's more of a reflection, or a retelling. And, no, it's not a song-fic. The chapter just happens to involve a song, which won't make much sense to those who've never seen Cats.

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"_Are you blind when you're born?"_

sang Alex, a little huskily. He was then required to do a complicated twisty-turny sort of thing, and settle back onto all fours. As much as he hated to admit it, it was kind of nice (albeit embarrassing) being someone else for a while.

Even if it was a freaky cat-human hybrid.

It was fairly easy, actually. All he had to do was crouch there, looking very intense as he tried to scare the woman in the front row. He could hear a baby crying.

"_Because Jellicles can and Jellicles do_

_Jellicles do and Jellicles would  
Jellicles would and Jellicles can  
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!" _

"_Can you find your way blind when you're lost in the street?"_

Alex winced. Gemma truly was a horrible singer. Why on earth had _she_ been chosen for Jellylorum?

"_Because Jellicles can and Jellicles do_

_Jellicles do and Jellicles would  
Jellicles would and Jellicles can  
Jellicles can and Jellicles do!" _

Ah, there was that verse again. Alex hated this song. It was annoying and repetitive. _Repeating things gets you killed. The enemy knows what you're doing. _

He tried to get that out of his head. It was a SONG, and he was already thinking back to… _focus._ thought Alex.

Now for his part…

"_There's a man over there with a look of surprise," _Tom wolf-whistled. He gave Tom an angry glare and continued._  
"As much as to say, "Well now how about that!"  
Do I actually see with my own very eyes  
A man who's not heard of a Jellicle cat?  
What's a Jellicle cat? What's a Jellicle cat?"_

Alex wanted to laugh. He was sure he looked so stupid.

One of the only reasons Alex had stayed was to completely rethink everyone's opinion of him. They had him all nice and labelled…. BAM! Here comes performer in a freaky cat suit who may or may not but probably isn't be a druggie gangster!

The drug rumour died after that, only to be replaced by him starring in a national musical and being away on tours... apparently he was _the _Billy Elliot. Alex didn't get that. If he was going to star in a musical then it might as well be a good one, but it was still better (apparently) than the violent, homicidal alternative. He had been at school for ages now, which also helped.

There were the downsides, of course. Rehearsals were long, boring and frustrating, and Alex had been surprised to find himself telling off some year 7's who weren't paying attention.

_Twelve year olds are the spawn of all evil… _thought Alex with a shudder.

He had been teased a little at first, but he was used to that. Alex smiled.

"_That would make you a poofter, then Rider!" _

"_You know, most people who accuse others of being gay are only doing it to draw attention away from their own homosexuality." _

"_Oh yeah?" _

_Jed had known that he was being insulted, but he couldn't quite work out how._

"_Well you're gay anyway, so you would know!" _

_Alex couldn't hide a snort at this part._

Jed had given up all attempts at conversation not long after that, and swung a clumsy punch at Alex's nose. Alex knew he shouldn't bait people but that was too much fun.

What he had found really strange was getting into the whole new world of the freaky cat-humans, who couldn't talk at all, (apparently that would ruin the whole effect) but somehow could sing and walk upright. The old Alex would have snorted and said it made no sense, which was true, but by now he would do anything just to get involved with the school and be_ normal. _Whatever he told people, he did care what they thought. He wished he didn't, but he couldn't help it.

Alex thought that he had that under control now. Apart from having Tom and Colin, he had made new friends, and had stopped receiving sad, pitiful looks from the rest of his teachers.

"_The Rum Tum Tugger is a _terrible _bore!"_

Alex would never admit it, even to himself. He could be subjected to a merciless torture involving leg wax and a pair of tweezers, and yet he would never tell anyone that he was enjoying himself. If anyone asked, he was doing it for the girls, of which there were plenty.

Tom would still die, though.

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**Disclaimer: Dear Reader,**

**Unfortunately the author has had her sentence in prison lengthened due to an unfortunate incident involving a delusional fan girl, Alex Rider's catsuit, and a copyright battle with a Mr. Anthony Horowitz.**

**She gets out of the institution on bail soon, and will hopefully own the rights by September.**

**Signed, **

**Toilet Facility's personal assistant and secretary, Ken Adams**


	3. Author's Note!

I am just about ready to drop my monitor in a dumpster. Whenever I update a chapter, it DOESN'T APPPEAR AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN. It's incredibly annoying. Yet again, I have to put in an author's note so that people know I have updated. Does anyone else get this problem??


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